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As long as I was depressed and surly, my father was still close to me. Of course there’s guilt for everything left unsaid, guilt for not making the most of the time you had, but the bigger, deeper guilt is for every moment you have after they’re gone.The idea of survivor’s guilt isn’t just about feeling unjustly lucky to have lived while someone else died; it’s guilt for going on without them, guilt for changing and growing and becoming a person that they never knew.When the communal, outward mourning ends and life appears to go back to normal, that’s the worst part — when the world goes on, not noticing the gaping hole that’s been left.It’s how we put together a new role for ourselves in this irrevocably damaged world that shows how we really grieve — much more than those first few days of sobbing.When I heard that my father had died, I collapsed in tears on the living room floor.I wasn’t crying because he wasn’t there right then.I cried not just for the end of that perfect weekend, but for the next week, when we’d be back in different cities, on opposite sides of the country.

Those last words of fatherly praise and advice suddenly became as precious as Moses’ tablets; words from beyond, all there would ever be.When my milkshake was gone and it was time to go, I broke down.I cried and held onto fistfuls of his shirt like I had when he first told me that he wasn’t going to be living with us anymore.Consciously, it was because I liked Joan Jett while my classmates liked J-Lo and I wanted to make it clear that I was “different.” But looking back, I was very clearly in mourning for my entire adolescence.I was an angry teenager; I dropped out of high school, chugged cheap vodka out of plastic bottles, and fantasized about the apocalypse.

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